Sunday, September 30, 2007

Letters we love

Real letter. Real girl. Real funny.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f#@king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull$hit.And that's a promise I will keep.

Wendi Aarons Austin, TX

Saturday, September 29, 2007

A Sweet Diversion

The seasons are changing and it was time for me to clean out my closet...put away the sandals, separate the sweaters, decide if the skirt that I had not worn for the last two years was worth holding on to. I had the television on for company and I heard this, to be honest, it's quite easy for me to be distracted when doing a chore I don't care to do...but hearing Alison Sudol's hauntingly, beautiful voice ( also known as A Fine Frenzy) was worth stopping the clean up to take a break for. She is such a breath of fresh air in today's music world of commercialized, made-up pop singers...talented and real.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Another taste

gosh, I'm just awful aren't I?? What can I say? I have so much to tell you but I just want it to be so, so, perfect when you see it....I can almost see your smiles now.

Friday, September 14, 2007

BIG news in a pint sized cup

...the big announcement is getting closer....just a's delicious fun!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

She's how old?

I was at the hairdresser's the other day flipping through the latest People and ran across a photo of Christie Brinkley at some sporting event in the Hamptons. It could have been naked men running relays for all I know because I was totally blown away by how great Ms. Brinkley looks!

She'll be 54 next year and looks fabulous. I'm not sure what the deal is with all the husbands she has had but maybe she'll figure out that she's better off being single...unless one of those naked relay runners wants to ask her out.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Does he or doesn't he?

I may be wrong but I'm thinking that Osama has been dipping in the Clairol hair color box....he's a lot darker shade than in the past.

Monday, September 10, 2007

There's always the nostalgia tour in 20 years...

I almost feel bad for Britney that she performed so badly at the VMA's on Sunday. Remember how fun she used to be? How sharp her dance moves were? How her look was sweet but with a touch of sexy? Last night, she phoned the performance in...she really seemed to have cared less that millions of people were watching. Honestly, I give sharper, snappier moves at a morning Jazzercise class...and I know the words to the songs.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Happy Dance

Hooray! The search is over. I have found a website designer and the future looks so bright; I gotta wear shades. If anyone does wonder why the new posts are few and far between lately it's because of "the project".

I'm not sure how frequently I will be posting because I need to write lots of content/text for the website and I am so excited to share it with you when it's up and running. Until then, I'm hoping to post only GREAT things about what's sad dance for me.